the big arrival

as most of you know, i've been in clinicals for school -- the last day was the 17th of october; ethan was due on the 19th. so i was a bit nervous about when he'd decide to make his appearance. the weekend before (the 11th), i started having contractions. i thought (rather foolishly) that these were the start of *painful* contractions (insert laugh here). as it was, these built up, but nothing came of them and i made it through the week. saturday passed, and nothing happened, and then we arrived at the due date. during that last week, i'd been reading stuff on natural delivery, and one of the tips was to visualize the baby coming out the birth canal and visualize holding it -- this would help manage the pain. another tip was not to push, but to allow the baby to move down the birth canal...

i decided to take a walk, to get things moving. at this point, i was huge, and waddled like a duck, and ready to have the baby. speaking of huge, i was going to measure my belly every month and lovingly record the changes, but alas, that did not happen. by that last month, "lovingly" was not a word i would use to describe the feelings i had towards my huge girth or my weight. i think i gained 30 lbs with this one.

but anyway, back to my story. i decided to take a walk. so i took off (or rather waddled) down our road, and walked about a mile. one of the neighbors saw me and came out to meet me. she was worried that i might go into labor right there in the road, and decided she'd better walk with me... just in case.

thankfully, that did not happen. i went home, a bit discouraged -- still no contractions. so after lunch, i took a nap, and then got this incredible urge to clean. our closet rod had broken and although nick had fixed the closet rod, he had not put the clothes back, so i decided to put all the clothes back, and get rid of the stuff we didn't wear anymore (namely, my twiggy jeans that i will never again fit into).

then, i carried a huge basket of laundry upstairs and was intending to put the clothes away when my water broke. thankfully i wasn't out in public, because it was something akin to a dam bursting. so i waddled downstairs (rather awkwardly) and informed nick that my water had broken. this was about 7:00 pm. so much for the articles that said that the woman's water breaking (like it does in the movies) in a huge gush without any warning rarely happens... why am i always among that tiny percentage?

"are you sure you ain't just peed your pants?" he asked. "i thought pregnant women had a problem with that,"

"that's afterwards," i snapped, irritated, "and i think i can tell the difference!"

he continued to watch the game. i called the midwife. "is this your first one?" she asked.

"my second," i told her, "but my first regular delivery; my first was c-section".

the midwife informed me it would no doubt be a long night, but to come in and we'd get things started. i called my mom, all excited and giddy, and she said she'd meet me at the hospital.

at this point, i wasn't in too much pain yet and decided to finish putting the clothes away and make the bed. you know, like making the bed is the most important thing in the world to do when you know you're going into labor.

by the time we got out the door -- we had to take clay potty, let the dogs out, grab my stuff, and nick wanted to brush his teeth (!), it was probably about 45 minutes later, and the contractions were starting to get my attention. you would think, with it taking us that long to get out the door, that we would not have forgotten anything; however, nick forgot the camera. however, i was not thinking of that at the moment; what had my attention was that the van was almost on empty, and according to the mileage clock, we had about 4-5 miles left before we were indeed empty. which was not good, as town was 7 miles away.

so i'm breathing with my contractions, which were about 5-6 mins apart, and also silently willing the van to make it into town. thankfully, we made it. for probably the very first time in my life, i told nick not to speed. i was imagining being stopped by an over zealous cop for speeding and having the baby on the highway, while he wrote a big fat ticket. alas, neither happened. nick did not slow down, and we did not get stopped.

finally, we made it to the hospital and got checked in at about 8:30 p.m. i waddled into the the emergency room and checked in and wrapped my coat around my waist because i kept leaking the amniotic fluid and it really did look like i had peed my pants by the time we got to the hospital. i opted for a ride in the wheelchair.

so finally, i get to my room and was informed that because i was vbac, that i would have to be started on pitocin because they didn't think i would progress on my own without it. they suggested that i sleep til about 4am and then they would start the pit. i was horrified; i didn't want pitocin. i wanted to do it on my own. so we decided that i would try on my own for a bit, and then see how things were going.

for those of you *lucky* enough to have had pitocin, you know exactly why i didn't want it, since it makes the contractions stronger and harder. and since i wanted to go natural, this wasn't something that exactly thrilled me. at any rate, they checked me at 9pm and i was only dilated to 2. by that time, i was feeling the contractions, and i started thinking... um... if this is how it feels without the pitocin, what is it gonna be like with that crap?!

as for resting, yeah, that wasn't an option. my contractions were now about 2-3 minutes apart, and i really couldn't get comfortable. at one point, i got on my knees and rested on my arms, to take the pressure off my back. i'm sure i looked bizarre, with my big, fat arse up in the air, while i was swaying back and forth on the bed, trying to get comfortable. i pity whoever had to see that. at any rate, it did feel better for awhile. however, ethan's head was quite low, so there was so much pressure, that nothing really felt comfortable. they checked me again at 2am, and i was only a 3 yet. this was not promising.

about an hour later, i really wanted to get into the warm tub, but i knew that getting in the water too early could actually slow the labor process, so i was trying to hold off until i had further progressed, and the pain was really bad. except that the pain was pretty bad now, but i didn't think i'd progressed enough. so i concentrated on breathing. as for visualizing the baby, yeah right; that didn't happen. i was pretty focused on breathing through the contractions and that was pretty calming. at about 3 am, i felt like i had to push, and since the urge to push usually comes later, they checked me again and discovered i was at a 7. well, that explained the pain intensity of the last hour. needless to say, i got in the tub. we called nick to let him know that he should come down (he was home with clay), and things started (finally) happening.

the tub was heaven. it didn't exactly take all the pain away, but it was alot better. i was able to relax a bit and stay focused. at about 3:30am, i was ready to push, and so got out of the tub. i don't really think i need to add that letting the baby "move down the birth canal with the contractions" was a load of malarky; pushing is hard work. or maybe the fact that ethan was ten pounds had something to do with it as well. at any rate, he wasn't coming out all by himself.

my dad arrived a bit before nick did, and a bit before the baby came out. i think the nurse told me, "your dad is here, do you want him to come in?" um... no.... i love my dad very much, but he does not need to see me like that. i was, at that moment, in the middle of pushing, and managed to get out, "nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!". i think i sounded more like a cow, but they got the message.

i did try visualizing the baby coming out at this point, but it did not lessen the pain any; but it did give me something to focus on. i figured once his head was born, that it would be easy street from there on. i blame the big heads on nicks side of the family. clays head was big too. nick says its because his family has more brains.

about ten minutes later, ethan was finally born, and i was able to hold him right away. there is nothing like holding your baby to make you forget the pain. he was beautiful. he just looked at me and was very calm, once he was in my arms, and he started nursing almost right away.

nick got there about this time, and came in and held my hand, while dad watched clay til things got cleaned up a bit. this time, nick had the camera, and took a few pictures. the midwife was very happy that everything had gone so well.

i called my friend becky (who had given me strict orders to call her no matter what time of day it was) and told her ethan had been born. she then asks me, "so, are you gonna try this natural thing with your next one?"

i pondered this for a bit. "give me a while before you ask that again," i said. i was a bit exhausted.

but the answer is yes, definitely. despite the pain, it was truly a beautiful experience.

love...

last week, one of my fellow students had the sad experience of seeing one of her patients die. the patient's husband stayed by her side every minute, and towards the end, he said to her, "i'll love you til the day i die." then, he said, "i'd marry you all over again."

this touched me quite profoundly. i wasn't even there, yet it made me cry; i could almost see it in my mind. it was so sad, but so beautiful at the same time.

that is the best kind of love. to be able to look back and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if you could do it all over again, you'ld choose the same person, and love all over again, no matter how heartbreaking the end was.

every once in awhile, someone touches your life in a way that leaves you almost breathless, it is so beautiful and tender.

i don't ever want to lose anyone i love. but i hope that in the end, the people i love will have no regrets with me.

not part of the job description

i came into clinicals today to find out that one of the patients i was supposed to have had gone a bit mad in the night. angry about something, a sweet little 90 year old dear had turned into a mad hag, beating the aide with her cane, and then biting the poor girl when she attempted to take the cane from her. the girl still bore the souvenir of the bite marks, firmly imprinted on her forearm, over four hours later. sounds like an episode off of scrubs... or perhaps house, except that the patient had no mysterious underlying condition that caused the sudden personality switch. at any rate, it was decided she would not be my patient, given the fact that i'm hugely pregnant and being beaten with a cane would not be in my best interest (although i doubt that aide who was beaten over the head last night thought it was in her best interest either).

so... its not always quiet at the hospital. once in a while, something *exciting* happens. although i'm not sure that when the job description states that as a nurse you'll be a part of a strong team, in an exciting environment, that the above situation was the kind of *excitement* they were talking about.

bet even though not all the aspects of nursing is glamorous, there's something special about nursing that makes you want to go back; even when the day is a really rough one, and even if the patients are not so great. its knowing you have helped make a difference (in a good way), and being there for someone when they need help the most.

i had a very busy, but good day today. i had only three patients, but i had to start 3 IV's, got a million doctor's orders, numerous med changes, but managed to get everything done in time and still emerge sane 8 hours later. its really fun when doctors tell you one thing and then give an order for the complete opposite ("let's hold off on the diuretics until the patient is less dehydrated", and then, not ten minutes later, write an order for hydroclorothiazide 12.5 mg ( a diuretic) to be given NOW. then, when clarifying this contradiction, the doctor's nurse tells you that its "okay because the patient is completely rehydrated now..."

strangely enough, my day doesn't sound like a whole lot when its down on paper. oh well... it seemed busy. anyway, only 2 more clinical days after this one! so the end is in sight! :)

people keep looking at me all day long like i'm gonna pop or have the baby right there, but i think i'll make it. next check up is tuesday, so we'll see how far i've progressed. :)

well, that's all for now.

ciao!

nora